Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping all that well as of late. There's been quite a bit on my mind and even nights when I do manage to fall asleep early I find myself waking after only a few hours. I've seen 5 AM happen more times than an unemployed person really should.

Most nights I get to the point where I give up on sleeping but still I refuse to be officially awake. A lot of lying in the dark with my eyes screwed stubbornly shut happens. When the muscles holding my eyelids closed against their will get tired (ironic?) I give up and just stare in the general direction of my ceiling. My room is fairly dark so I can't actually see the ceiling. But I know it's there. Hovering. Mocking my futile efforts to capture that elusive idea of sleep. Did you know that ceilings mock? I've only just discovered this but trust me, they do.

A lot of tossing and turning happens as well. It's probably a good thing I'm not sharing my bed with anyone at the moment. If I were, my poor unsuspecting bedmate would most likely find their legs covered in mysterious bruises upon waking in the morning. Assuming they were able to sleep through a night of being kicked repeatedly during my bouts of frustrated flailing to begin with. As it is, the only one who has to put up with me is my ever-suffering companion, Funshine Bear. This is for the best I think.

I'm not particularly productive during these nights where sleep refuses to be found. I wish I could say that the nights of never ending awakeness lead to epiphanies and creative brilliance. They don't. Really the only thing they lead to are headaches and crankiness and mornings that start much later than I'd like them to. I used to have all sorts of tricks I would employ on nights like these, but Smashing Pumpkins long ago ceased to lull me to sleep and I have yet to find Melancholy's replacement.

I don't mind though, not really. Naturally I prefer a solid night of sleep, hours of uninterrupted rest and peace, but I've never been the best sleeper and I suppose that over the years I've just gotten used to it. I've accepted the inevitable; there will be periods in my life when I just don't sleep. There will be times when I don't dream. And then there will be evenings of giant spiders distantly related to Shelob stalking me through secret passageways and tunnels blacker than the darkness in my room could ever conceive of being.

Don't worry; I crush the giant spider beast in the end with a satisfying crunch as my heel bursts through its exoskeleton. And then I sleep. Happily, fitfully, without tangling myself hopelessly in my sheets.

These are the things that happen when I sleep. Or they're the things that happen when I don't. It's really all the same either way.

How's the insomnia working out for you?