I haven't been sleeping all that well as of late. There's been quite a bit on my mind and even nights when I do manage to fall asleep early I find myself waking after only a few hours. I've seen 5 AM happen more times than an unemployed person really should.
Most nights I get to the point where I give up on sleeping but still I refuse to be officially awake. A lot of lying in the dark with my eyes screwed stubbornly shut happens. When the muscles holding my eyelids closed against their will get tired (ironic?) I give up and just stare in the general direction of my ceiling. My room is fairly dark so I can't actually see the ceiling. But I know it's there. Hovering. Mocking my futile efforts to capture that elusive idea of sleep. Did you know that ceilings mock? I've only just discovered this but trust me, they do.
I'm not particularly productive during these nights where sleep refuses to be found. I wish I could say that the nights of never ending awakeness lead to epiphanies and creative brilliance. They don't. Really the only thing they lead to are headaches and crankiness and mornings that start much later than I'd like them to. I used to have all sorts of tricks I would employ on nights like these, but Smashing Pumpkins long ago ceased to lull me to sleep and I have yet to find Melancholy's replacement.
I don't mind though, not really. Naturally I prefer a solid night of sleep, hours of uninterrupted rest and peace, but I've never been the best sleeper and I suppose that over the years I've just gotten used to it. I've accepted the inevitable; there will be periods in my life when I just don't sleep. There will be times when I don't dream. And then there will be evenings of giant spiders distantly related to Shelob stalking me through secret passageways and tunnels blacker than the darkness in my room could ever conceive of being.
Don't worry; I crush the giant spider beast in the end with a satisfying crunch as my heel bursts through its exoskeleton. And then I sleep. Happily, fitfully, without tangling myself hopelessly in my sheets.
These are the things that happen when I sleep. Or they're the things that happen when I don't. It's really all the same either way.
How's the insomnia working out for you?
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8 comments:
I've had trouble sleeping since I was a kid. It never gets better and it drives me nuts. I try to tell myself stories but then I want to get up and write, I try to clear my mind but then I can't. I wake up a million times and thanks to super future phones I can at least check mail real quick and then drop back off to fitful sleep. My cat starts the night against my leg and in the morning she's on the far side of the bed, sick of being kicked and such. *sigh*
The phone thing is like crack. I wake up at 4:37 AM and just HAVE to check my email right then. I'm not entirely sure if that's helping or hurting.
I think it's a little of both. I tend to go back to bed faster if I give in and check mail on my phone, but I also find I wake up more fully in those inbetween moments if I do. So it's 6 of one. I used to have people I would specificaly email that late and they would do the same, because we couldn't sleep.
Exactly that. If i don't check, I just lie there thinking about what might be in my inbox. If I do, I actually have to wake up enough to read things. It also just depends on the night. Some nights I wake up, check the email, and am back to sleep in twenty minutes. Other nights I wake up, have no desire to check, lie awake for a half hour, think about checking email or getting up for water or reading, do whatever, lie awake for another twenty minutes, and then eventually fall back asleep. There just ain't no rhyme or reason.
Sometimes I convince myself that I must have new mail. The logic makes no sense at all when I'm awake, but half-asleep it totally works on me. My brain hates me.
My brain hates me too. I think this is the source of our problem!
I had trouble falling asleep for years... it's been getting better since I've been less stressed out lately.
Reading or putting on a DVD of something I know by heart always helped me. Or, I mean. With the reading I would have to read until I fell asleep with the book open and the light on, but I'd a) get some reading done and b) get a few hours of good sleep in. With the DVDs, I'd set my tv to shut off automatically after an hour, and usually be good for the rest of the night.
Reading has never really worked all that well for me. I end up just staying up all night reading. Which isn't terrible. But still not sleeping.
I should totally try the movie watching thing. I used to do that when I had cable in my room, just leave on something like cartoon network or whatever, and fall asleep to that. I could actually put my DVD player and movie collection to use!
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